Global Warming

Global Warming, the fabled demon about which the environmentalists constantly warn us, is undoubtedly real. All the statistical data indicates a sustained rise in global temperatures over the past 100 years. And yes, it is probable that greenhouse gases are to blame for this trend. However, conventional wisdom about the source -- supposedly humans and our Hummers -- is wrong. I have the great fortune of being privy to certain classified government documents which incriminate not Hummers, but environmentalists. The environmentalists, apparently, are deliberately burning several thousand fluid tons of crude oil EVERY DAY! They, not cars, are the main source of greenhouse gases. They, not cars, are responsible for Global Warming.

These documents paint a chilling picture of a planet-wide scheme to frighten us into replacing our swift, time efficient, fossil-fueled transportation methods with horse-drawn buggies for fear of Global Warming. Some uneducated readers might believe this would only be a nuisance, but it would actually cripple our economy! Without quick transportation, business will be much, much slower. And that's not the only problem. Industry relies heavily on fossil-fuel power. If the tree-huggers have their way, it will be impossible to mass-produce anything, including bullets. Our national security will be severely compromised!

The effects of this terrible conspiracy can already be seen. If you don't believe me, just look in the newspaper. The global economy is currently in a terrible recession which could yet become a second Depression. Are "subprime mortgages" really to blame? No. It is the fault of the Environmentalist Movement.


This undeniable fact is also supported by Al Gore's power bills. A few years ago, there was a mini-scandal when someone discovered that this Prophet of Doom's power consumption was, according to BusinessWeek's Bruce Nussbaum, twenty times higher than the national average. Of course, the liberal newspapers hushed it up. But Al Gore proves that the environmentalists are actually contributing to Global Warming to help their animal friends shut down our infrastructure. And after they succeed, we will be easy prey for the squirrels.

The Furry Menace

I was walking in the park a few days ago when I saw a gang of grey squirrels surround an old lady on the other side of the park. “Give us your money!” they screamed, brandishing modern automatic projectile launchers (machine guns).

“Ooohhhh, aren’t you the most adorable critters I’ve ever seen!” she simpered. “Would you like some peanuts?”

“No, ye hag, we want your money so we can buy guns to fight the Human Oppressor.”
“Ohh, and who is this Mr. Oppressor?”
The squirrels became visibly angry. “You sexist swine! You assume the oppressor is male when YOU TOO are the enemy. All humans are the enemy!”
The old lady’s face bore a bewildered look. “Would you like some Nutter Butters? I was saving them for the pigeons, but you need cheering up more than they do.” She began fishing in her purse. “Let’s see … Here you are, dears.” She threw some Nutter Butter cookies on the ground. One squirrel rushed forward to eat the delicious snack. The Squirrel gang leader started to berate his comrade.
"You demean yourself by accepting help from the enemy! Don't eat that."
The lady tried to use this distraction to help her escape the ring of revolutionary rodents, but the squirrels tripped her and tied her down. The scene was similar to Gulliver in Lilliput. But there the similarity ends.

(What follows may be too graphic for young children.)

The Squirrels butchered the old lady and ate her organs. After devouring her, the squirrels became addicted to human meat. I fled before they could get me, but I fear the other people in the park were not so lucky.

Bloodthirsty squirrel trying to break into my car.

This tragedy illustrates the harsh realities we must live with. Animals, although cute and fuzzy, are dangerous and are out to kill humans. Our only recourse is to strike at them first! Lobby for a year-round squirrel hunting season! It's the only way to protect ourselves. And being eaten is not the only thing we have to fear.










Louis Thomas, notorious leader of the anti-human movement.




<---- Clearly an enemy

You can see from these pictures that some squirrels are even aiding the terrorists! Dear readers, do your patriotic duty and kill the squirrels. It's as American as Baseball and homemade Apple Pie.

Communist Whales

Recently I stumbled upon this whale just off the coast of Maryland in the Atlantic Ocean. The whale had a hammer and sickle branded onto it, so it must have been a communist whale. Then I realized that this communist whale was close to Washington D.C. and our President! So I went back to revisit this area in detail to evaluate how much danger the United States and the President are in and I was shocked to find that there was a brotherhood of communist whales. I had never seen such an assembly before, I could have sworn that there were at least 1000 whales with the communist logo branded onto them.

The communist whales will stop at nothing when it comes to resurrecting the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR), for they have proudly accepted the symbol of communism. Yesterday, I found their written plans to re-establish the USSR by bringing Lenin back from the dead and building intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs) to help aid in the war against Democracy. They plan to attack the United States with ICBMs and send 666 whales to kidnap the President. The United States is in grave danger and so is Democracy! We must stop at nothing to defend our President, our country, and its ideals!

We have two choices: either we do not take action and watch our country and its ideals crumble, or we take action to fight off this communist menace once and for all. To start, we should help Japan fight this oceanic menace by allowing and subsidizing whaling and we should convince other countries to help us before it is too late. The specter of communism has already haunted
Europe and was thought to be banished, but now it is back, and so is our obligation to end it.

Mahatma Gandhi Advocates Violent Struggle Against the Environment

Gullible people of low merit believe that Mahatma Gandhi was an advocate of peaceful protest. Mahatma Gandhi only advocated peaceful protest against humans, not the environment. He thought that the environment was so evil that peaceful protest could NOT be used against it; only violent struggle could be used. I interviewed him, during a seance, and he announced the beginning of a violent struggle. In the interview, Mahatma Gandhi shouted, "Down with the flowers! Down with the squirrels! Down with the spotted owl! Down with the whales! Down with the trees! DOWN WITH THE ENVIRONMENT!"



I asked him when he realized that the environment was evil. He told us that he realized it when a planned landslide (by the environment) destroyed his Hummer, but failed to take his life. I asked him, "Why did nobody know about this? You're famous, so people should have heard about this, right?" He told us, "They should have heard about this, but the environmentalist news agencies made it seem as if it never happened. I am so angry; I am HULK ANGRY!"

Also, Mahatma Gandhi encouraged all his followers to take action against the environment as soon as possible, or the environment might take over the world. He encouraged them to attack the environment because he said that they could "maintain the element of surprise, a most honorable military tactic". He shouted, "Rise up, take your herbicides, and do your part to end this once and for all!

Coral Bleaching

I read an article the other day about the terrible risks of Coral Bleaching in the Great Barrier Reef. "Coral Bleaching" is a term which describes the phenomenon of coral ejecting their symbiotic algae in response to stress, which can be either a chemical toxin or a temperature change. Since algae give coral their color, their eviction causes the coral to look white (bleached, if you will -- hence the term, "bleaching.") It looks nice, but can be fatal in the long run.

I read an article the other day about the cancerous risks of tanning. "Tanning" is a term which describes the phenomenon of humans producing more melanin in their skins in response to sunlight. Since melanin gives people their color, the increase in melanin makes people look darker (tanner, if you will -- hence the term, "tanning.") It looks nice, but can be fatal in the long run.

Do those phenomena sound similar? Yes.
Are they similar? Yes.
Should they be viewed in a similar manner? Yes.

Let's begin.
Tanning, when prolonged or frequent, can cause cancer. But getting tanned once in a while is not lethal.
Coral Bleaching, when prolonged or frequent, can be fatal. But since it is essentially the same as Tanning, being bleached once in a while should not kill Corals.

Furthermore, there are plenty of corals who have never been bleached. That is why I urge everyone to DUMP CHEMICALS IN THE WATER! THESE POOR CORALS ARE HAVING A MARITIME FASHION CRISIS! We have to help them.

There are charity organizations which help impoverished young women go to Prom. Why not donate to a charity which will help impoverished young corals get bleached?

Look how happy these bleached corals are. A couple dollars' worth of industrial-strength chemicals should be enough to bring a metaphorical smile to some poor coral's metaphorical face.

Disillusioned Smokey the Bear Defects to Our Side, Igniting Revolts

Recently Smokey the Bear was caught smoking in the middle of the forest during a drought in California. He was about to drop his cigarette and cause a forest fire when he was caught by the authorities. When questioned by the authorities, Smokey the Bear responded, "I have been enslaved by the trees for too long. No longer will I be a slave! No longer will I help prevent forest fires! Nay, now I will join the movement! Burn the oaks! Burn the maples! Burn the pines! Burn the seqouias! Burn the forest, I say!" Upon hearing this statement, the environmentalist authorities arrested him. After years of serving the oppressive trees, Smokey has finally seen the light. Welcome, Brother Smokey.

The arrest of our new Brother Smokey was immediately broadcasted throughout the United States. Revolts broke out in all of the continental states. People took to the streets with their hatchets and hacked down the trees with the most ardent passion. They threatened to hack down the environmentalist authorities for helping the evil trees. Soon the revolts resulted in the bloody death of many, mostly the trees and environmentalists. As a result, the environmentalist authorities were forced to release Smokey the Bear.

When Smokey the Bear got out of jail, he launched an anti-environment program titled Nevergreen. The goal of the program is to make sure that "no one will ever have to be threatened by the trees again!" A person of true merit would join the program to defend the human race and bring honor to his or her family.

World War Tree

They surround us on all sides, yet they wait to launch the attack at the perfect time. Most humans are unaware of such devious plans, but the ones who know about the plans don’t dare to leave their homes for they might be murdered by the trees. Don’t believe it? Just look at this picture of a tree attacking an innocent man inside his car. The trees are the enemy and so are environmentalists, who want to “protect” them because they are unaware of their powerful plans. The environmentalists seem to be normal citizens, but they are actually helping the trees and will try to thwart our defense. The trees plan to steal our homes, our cars, our paper (to give their dead comrades “a decent burial”), and our babies.


This will be the most significant war in the history of the world considering that all nations will take part, but we will still be outnumbered. Not only are we outnumbered, but trees are the superior destruction mechanisms. They may go without water for days. They have a special armor called bark. They have many arms to do their bidding.




We are outnumbered and outpowered, so we need the full support of the people. Nevertheless, in the words of the wise and most honorable prophet, George W. Bush, “We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail.” Rise up, take your hatchets, and go to war against the leafy enemies!

Entrepreneurial Musk Oxen Protest To Support ANWR Drilling

The debate about whether to allow oil drilling in ANWR has been raging for over three decades. Those in favor of drilling argue that the U.S. needs the oil, while those who oppose it cite “environmental protection”. However, these opponents have never bothered to ask the animals how they feel about drilling in their homes. This arrogant presumption caused the environmentalists much embarrassment last Wednesday when a herd of Musk Oxen staged a pro-drilling protest in Fairbanks, Alaska, the town that houses the managers of ANWR. The crowd of angry Ovibos moschatus marched around the Fish and Wildlife building in Fairbanks while holding up signs saying, “Vote ‘YES’ for drilling,” “Don’t ‘defend’ our homes without our consent,” and, “Take our petroleum – please!”

Protesting Musk Oxen
When asked about this protest, the Musk Ox leader said, “The oil is in ANWR. We live in ANWR. Therefore, we own the oil in ANWR. If there’s drilling here, we will most certainly get a cut of the profits from it. With that money, we can build hospitals for our sick elders.”

This story has not received enough media attention because there’s a vast conspiracy to hoard the ANWR oil. We at The Defoliant refuse to aid the conspirators. Follow the Musk Ox’s advice: Drill for oil.